what a difference a week makes...

So my 8th iui was 11/1/, and on 11/13 I started some heavy spotting. I thought for sure it was af seeing as it was due on 11/13. Then , I had my beta done on mon 11/16, and it was positive, low, but still, it was positive. My first ever! It was 14, the nurse said the most important thing was that it doubled every 2 days. We celebrated and told family because we wanted to enjoy the moment. We had never had the joy of doing that, so we did.

All along knowing that it was a low number. Nevertheless, we were ecstatic that it finally happened, no matter what we knew that I CAN get pregnant. On Wed 11/18 was Beta #2, it was 23. Not quite double, but almost. The nurse said I was at an increased risk for miscarriage. I remained positive. Friday, 11/20 was beta #3. It was only 29.

It started to sink in that things were not looking good. All along I had light spotting, the following day I had heavy spotting again. We called RE and he said not to give up yet. We did a 4th beta on Mon. It was 8. They told me to stop all meds and I would start my period soon after. And that's exactly what happened. Logically, I knew from day one that 14 was a low number. But, I started to have hope as it slowly rose. I figured it was a late bloomer? Who knew? I think what bothers me the most is the sudden shift in emotions. To be on top of the world one minute, and back down in the dumps, the next. I also feel guilty, like my stupid body couldn't do its job and keep the little bean attached and healthy. I feel very numb.

Back to the grill again, the grill again...

a little old school MC Serch for ya!! I can't help but remember that hook as I begin another round of injectables/iui. I'm also recovering from pseudomembranous colitis...sounds fun huh? Exactly how many people become dangerously ill after taking antibiotics to feel better?? Not many that I know, other than ME!!

Anyway, saw the RE this morning and he said I can still continue my cycle this month, thank god!! I'm hoping I start to feel better soon...giving yourself injections in the stomach, when your stomach is swollen, tender, and just plain fucking killing you, is no picnic. No matter what, I will keep my eyes on the prize...Gonna fly now!!!!!

Fall

Finally getting to enjoy some cool weather! Tomorrow is my cousin's sons christening and I have a great outfit to wear!! I look very trim...well, I have dropped a few pounds...probably because I'm not on any meds this month. I hate the thought of starting up again...but I know the end result will be worth it.....I just want my turn already!!!!

Back to life...back to reality...

school still sucks, now i have even younger kids to torture me! They're so cute..but i don't have the patience of a 2nd grade teacher, im working on it. We're taking a break from IF this month. Just can't do it...been on meds for almost a year...my poor body is screaming for a month off. And so am I!! Fuckin wacky hormones=one crazy bitch!

Hoping this will renew my spirit, and give me the strength to continue with IF treatments. This is my favorite time of year and I want to enjoy it, not waste it with monitoring appts and needles. IVF is getting dangerously close...Is there some reason that I'm being denied the same happiness everyone else gets to enjoy?

Summer? What Summer??

I can't believe I will be going back to school soon. Next week I go in to start preparing my classroom, a task I used to enjoy, but I've come to dread...I can't stand the thought of seeing so many "work people" that will ask annoying questions like, "So, how was your summer? Anything new?" People are so transparent. I know what they are getting at. This is partly why I dread going back.

It upsets me to think that I spent my summer monitoring follicles, rather than going to the beach, or vacationing. Technically, I couldn't go swimming 3 weeks out of each summer month, so I'm real glad we spent a lot of money putting in the pool last year!

But I really can't complain, as my poor aunt is suffering tremendously from stage 4 cancer and chemo. Now, she is developing blood clots and seems to have suddenly gotten worse again. I did get to help her out a lot this summer, so there is one positive. I know her illness is taking a huge toll on my mother and I have tried to keep her spirits up as well. We did manage to get out and have some "fun", the three of us!! (JC Penney dressing room! lol) What a group!!

My husband has been just wonderful about everything, so understanding and supportive...I truly thank God for him. I love you baby...

Update

I have ignored my blog for a while, but I do find it therapeutic to document my thoughts and feelings. So, I am back. My last iui was yet another bust. I received my new shipment of medication yesterday and will begin injections again tomorrow.

As you can tell from my pictures, I love the movie Rocky. Actually, I love the character of Rocky. Never giving up, and never letting anyone get you down, is a theme I try to live by. Watching any of the 6 movies makes me instantly happy and makes me feel like I can do anything. Since today is a crappy cloudy day, I think it is a good day for a mini Rocky marathon...

calm

had my iui yesterday, crampy and bloated, BUT, i refuse to let it get to me this time....I'm calmer and not as angry as my other posts. I am happy that the hcg booster will be a smaller needle than I anticipated. I am doing my best to keep busy

it feels like forever

Every day feels like an eternity until I get to my next iui. Today the dr said fri. morning, and its only tues!! I hope it works this time, I really don't want to go through this again just as school is starting again. That would be very annoying. I can feel the bloating and bitchy hormones starting already! and i haven't even done the trigger shot yet...i really needed to work this summer to keep my mind occupied. figures!! When I don't want the time off i get it! all the years i worked like a dog 5-6 days a week every summer, and now i have the WHOLE summer off to sit around and think about how i'm not pregnant. And, feel like a total useless blob, not making money, bloated and miserable to be around...great! FUIF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"stop thinking about it!" Shut up!!

Why do people keep saying this to me?? Oh, I see, so if I stop thinking about getting pregnant, It will happen? Let me call my dr. so he can cancel the iui's, injections, sono's and endless blood tests. I'll explain to him that it's gonna happen when I relax and stop thinking about it! Yeah, that makes perfect sense. Let's see, if I stop thinking about winning the lotto will that happen too?

Sorry, I know some people just don't know what to say...but after 2+ years of trying, and many invavsive, uncomfortable, and downright embarrassing procedures...thinking or not thinking about it won't change anything physically. Don't get me wrong, I know the mind can be pretty powerful, maybe more than we know, but I don't think it can overpower clomid, gonal f, ovidrel, etc. It's gotta be something physical people.

What was life like before IF?

HCG Shot........

Tonight is one more gonal f and sono/bl tomorrow. my 6th iui will probably be thurs. I am already nervous about doing the hcg shot. The needle is so fuckin big!!!! I keep looking at it and Angel keeps yelling at me...I can't help it. I know it will all be worth it, but i'm so sick of waiting.

Hmmm..better?

I might like this better than wordpress..........